You Won’t Find Love Until You Love Yourself: Unpacking BS Beliefs About Finding Love.

I’ve been on a bit of a kick lately unpacking common things we hear and say somewhat mindlessly. Today, I’m unpacking some of the things I’ve often heard when it comes to finding love or a relationship. Finding love is one of those topics where everyone seems to have an opinion about how to do it the “right way” and yet we’re all just figuring it out.

The relationship you have with yourself IS always the most important relationship you will have and it sets the foundation for all other relationships.

When you start paying attention to who and what you attract and begin peeling back the layers of your own stuff, you’ll start seeing the connections. You’ll understand why doing inner work and building a strong relationship with yourself matters.

That being said, it doesn’t mean you have to go hide in a hole until you’re “perfectly healed”—because that’s never going to happen.

We’ve all heard sayings like these:
"You can’t love someone else until you love yourself."
"If you can’t be happy alone, you won’t be happy in a relationship."

I’m sure there are more but for the sake of your precious time and mine let’s just unpack these, shall we?

"You can’t love someone else until you love yourself."

Woah. Let’s sit with that for a moment.

I’m going to approach this from a personal standpoint. Growing up in an extremely christian upbringing, I struggled greatly with perfectionism, high expectations of myself, never feeling good enough, and always questioning whether I was truly a good and loving person. Through my healing journey, I am still learning to love myself and dismantle these beliefs.

Hearing this makes me think. When will enough be enough? Where exactly is the bar set for when I love myself enough to be worthy of attracting more love into my life or be capable of giving love? Who gets to decide if I am a loving person or not?

This saying enforces the belief that we are not good enough or worthy enough until we improve upon ourselves. While self-improvement is, of course, important it is in no way be a measurement of how worthy of love you are or how loving you can be.

We often forget that relationships can also be a beautiful source of healing—a mirror through which you can learn to love yourself and others more. I have learned to love myself more deeply by looking through the eyes of the people who love me.

Let’s reframe this narrative: What if instead we said
"Loving yourself expands your ability and capacity to love others, but you are worthy and capable of love at any stage."

"If you’re not happy alone, you won’t be happy in a relationship."

Yes, you should be able to feel okay being on your own. You should be able to function and live your life without depending on someone else. It’s wise to feel whole on your own and be okay being on your own and to wait for a good, healthy relationship.

But if you do not feel perfectly content, happy or satisfied being single, that’s also okay! You don’t have to feel grateful all the time for your singledom. We’re designed for connection—it’s healthy, and we need it. Craving partnership, love, and building a life with someone is completely normal. It will likely add to your happiness if it’s something you desire to have in your life.

I, myself, am not fully content being single and yet at times I feel the pressure to pretend that I am. That doesn’t mean I’m not happy with my life. The places in your life where you feel discontent are signs—they point to where you need to look deeper and make changes.

As someone who has been single for a few years now, gone through a divorce, worked her ass off to heal from trauma, and is still learning self-love, these messages can pack a punch. They feel shaming, reinforcing a narrative of unworthiness—that you’re not good enough or lovable without perfection, and that you should be perfectly content where you’re at all the time and yet if we were, why would we have a desire to change, evolve or grow.

Let’s reframe this narrative:
Learning to enjoy your own company and continually getting to know yourself builds a strong foundation for the happiness you can share in a relationship.

What really matters in the search for love:

Finding love isn’t a reward you get for doing the hard work of healing. It’s something that can grow alongside you, flaws and all. You don’t have to earn love—you are worthy of it just as you are, from yourself and from others.

Depending on our life experiences and the messages we’ve received growing up, we all have different ideas about the love we believe we deserve. We are all in different places with how we love ourselves, and that’s okay.

There’s one saying I absolutely agree with when it comes to love and relationships:
"The relationship you have with yourself IS the most important one."

This will always be the most important relationship in your life. It dictates every other relationship you have. Through the relationship you have with yourself, you decide what you are worthy of, how you allow yourself to be treated, how you’re spoken to, how you’re loved. You decide what boundaries to set, what compromises you’re willing to make, and what is or isn’t enough for you.

Your beliefs do matter, so what do you believe about love, about your worthiness, your enoughness? What messages do you tell yourself and why? That is the place to start searching and unpacking if you don’t like where you’re currently at in your life or what you’re attracting into your life. Ask yourself what you believe about love and worthiness.

At the end of the day, love is not about meeting some benchmark of self-perfection. It’s about connection—both with yourself and others—and allowing relationships to grow and evolve alongside you on your journey. You are already enough, already worthy, and already capable of giving and receiving love, no matter where you’re at. Your inner work is a gift you give to yourself, and in turn are also able to share with others, not a prerequisite for the love you deserve. Embrace the process, be kind to yourself, and remember: love is not something you accidentily stumble upon and find; it is something you attract, choose, nurture and build.

You don’t have to love yourself perfectly to find love. So love yourself a little bit better today simply because you deserve it.

…and I love you, because I can.

Jamie Marie.